9 Reasons Why He Hasn’t Phoned Back

You’re looking for explanations for why you’re not licking whipped cream off his chest at this very moment . You’re sitting by the phone, waiting, waiting, waiting for that gorgeous guy to call you. You refuse to turn off your mobile phone even though you’re at your granny’s funeral. After days of obsessing, even you have to concede he’s never gonna call your sorry ass. You sift through the pathetic rubble of the relationship-that-never-was, trying to understand why, why, dear god, why?

Theory #1: He sobered up. I mean, who wouldn’t look good when you’re unconsciously drunk? A fact you should have taken into account before e-mailing him your photo the next day. Oh, well, at least you have his e-mail address. Now you can sign his judgmental ass up for all kinds of porn spam at work.

Theory #2: He’s a committmentphobe. He liked you but he panicked. He does this every time he goes out, but this is a guy who probably couldn’t commit to a magazine subscription.

Theory #3: He has validation needs. He just got you to drool over him because he needed it to feel good about himself. Luckily, you know real validation comes from within, huh? Hold onto that thought while you have another bowl or six of Häagen-Dazs.

Theory #4: Bad timing. It was too soon after the break-up with his ex. Ending that eight-year relationship earlier in the day made his reactionary decision to cruise you a poor choice. By the time he got home and saw his ex’s photo in the “I Love You” frame from Habitat, all was forgiven and you were forgotten.

Theory #5: He’s already got a boyfriend. If he’s pulling this crap with his current boyfriend, why wouldn’t he do the same thing to you once you became his new man? Okay, fine, you’re so desperate you don’t care. Maybe he was just using you to make his lover, who was at the other end of the bar, jealous. God, being used is so depressing. All right, maybe he was just toying with you in order to feel powerful, and you haven’t heard from him because he never intended to call you in the first place. Ugh, that’s even worse. Ooh, ooh! Maybe his boyfriend caught him with your phone number and, in a fit of jealous rage, murdered him in an operatically gruesome way! Yeah!

Theory #6: You were too needy. Calling every 15 minutes gets rather old around 2:45 p.m. And pumping his mother, father, siblings, boss and priest for info before the second date sort of screams PSYCHO!

Theory #7: You gave him the wrong number. Like rattling off the one that started with 1550 out of habit. Honestly, one little case of stalking and you put up walls all over the place.

Theory #8: Too much information. Did he really need to know about what your stepfather did with you after lights-out when you were ten? Did you have to tell him you could take eight billiard balls? And did he have to know about the webbed toes? All on the first date?

Theory #9: The most probable reason he didn’t call you back: He recognized the reality that you were just too damn good for him. Yeah, that’s it. What else could it possibly be?